Guide to scary movies

They say everyone likes to get scared – but they’re wrong. Oddly enough, most sane people actually prefer to live their lives without terror. But, if for some reason you insist on watching a scary movie and don’t want to deal with the consequences, this how-to guide is for you.

Step 1: Don’t watch the movie. Really, don’t watch it. This method is safe, reliable, and has a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Frankly, I’m surprised more people don’t choose this option.

Step 2: Have the right equipment. If for some reason you chose to ignore step 1, or, like me, you have friends who don’t take "no" for an answer, keep your handy dandy blanket with you at all times. During freaky parts feel free to hold it over your head and plug your ears. If you can’t see or hear it, it doesn't exist. Food is also nice. Instead of screaming, you could eat.

Step 3: Kill the mood. During those high-stress parts of the movie, find some kind of distraction and remark on it. This could be a strange facial feature on one of the actors, a joke you just thought of, or what you logically would have done in their place. Your friends might find it annoying, but considering they liked you enough to make you watch the movie instead of telling you to leave, they’ll probably forgive you.

Step 4: Watch something harmless. As in, not next week or even the next day but right after the movie gets over. Staying up until three in the morning watching Winnie-the-Pooh is preferable to staying up until three wondering if you’ll wake in the morning. It is also a good way to avoid nightmares.

Step 5: Don’t go home alone. You will imagine every possible scenario from the movie – it’s inevitable. The presence of another person is very calming with the added benefit of having a human shield should any of the movie’s plots actually be true. However, a phone call is an acceptable, but not preferable, substitute. Call someone older/wiser than yourself who has not watched a scary movie recently and doesn't have a twisted sense of humor. They may find it funny to freak you out, but you’re the one who could potentially be abducted/possessed/eaten/mutilated/whatever else was the content of your movie.

Step 6: Don’t sleep alone. Have a sleepover. Or sleep in the same room as a sibling, or your spouse. Or on your parents’ bedroom floor. Or in your dog’s kennel. Really, anything is good. That way, when you wake up from the nightmares you could have avoided by following step 4, you won’t be alone. It’s hard to worry about a zombie apocalypse or alien abduction when the person in the room with you is snoring.

Step 7: Remember, rethink, and revise. Remember the terror you felt. Imagine how happy you would have been without all those terrifying images in your head. Regretfully consider how much sleep you would have gotten had you not been up late thinking about the movie. Shake your head as you recognize that you made a bad decision and your time would be far better spent watching something a little happier. Decide to make better choices in your life from that moment on.

Step 8: Never watch a scary movie again. Case closed.