They say everyone likes to get scared – but they’re wrong.
Oddly enough, most sane people actually prefer to live their lives without
terror. But, if for some reason you insist on watching a scary movie and don’t
want to deal with the consequences, this how-to guide is for you.
Step 1: Don’t watch the movie. Really, don’t watch it. This
method is safe, reliable, and has a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Frankly,
I’m surprised more people don’t choose this option.
Step 2: Have the right equipment. If for some reason you
chose to ignore step 1, or, like me, you have friends who don’t take "no" for an
answer, keep your handy dandy blanket with you at all times. During freaky
parts feel free to hold it over your head and plug your ears. If you can’t see
or hear it, it doesn't exist. Food is also nice. Instead of screaming, you
could eat.
Step 3: Kill the mood. During those high-stress parts of the
movie, find some kind of distraction and remark on it. This could be a strange
facial feature on one of the actors, a joke you just thought of, or what you
logically would have done in their place. Your friends might find it annoying,
but considering they liked you enough to make you watch the movie instead of
telling you to leave, they’ll probably forgive you.
Step 4: Watch something harmless. As in, not next week or
even the next day but right after the movie gets over. Staying up until three in
the morning watching Winnie-the-Pooh is preferable to staying up until three
wondering if you’ll wake in the morning. It is also a good way to avoid nightmares.
Step 5: Don’t go home alone. You will imagine every possible
scenario from the movie – it’s inevitable. The presence of another person is
very calming with the added benefit of having a human shield should any of the
movie’s plots actually be true. However, a phone call is an acceptable, but not
preferable, substitute. Call someone older/wiser than yourself who has not
watched a scary movie recently and doesn't have a twisted sense of humor. They
may find it funny to freak you out, but you’re the one who could potentially be
abducted/possessed/eaten/mutilated/whatever else was the content of your movie.
Step 6: Don’t sleep alone. Have a sleepover. Or sleep in the
same room as a sibling, or your spouse. Or on your parents’ bedroom floor. Or in
your dog’s kennel. Really, anything is good. That way, when you wake up from
the nightmares you could have avoided by following step 4, you won’t be alone.
It’s hard to worry about a zombie apocalypse or alien abduction when the person
in the room with you is snoring.
Step 7: Remember, rethink, and revise. Remember the terror
you felt. Imagine how happy you would have been without all those terrifying
images in your head. Regretfully consider how much sleep you would have gotten
had you not been up late thinking about the movie. Shake your head as you
recognize that you made a bad decision and your time would be far better spent
watching something a little happier. Decide to make better choices in your life
from that moment on.
Step 8: Never watch a scary movie again. Case closed.
