I am not a tree

When I was in college, a motivational saying mysteriously appeared on my fridge. You know the kind, where it seems like a waste of paper because literally everyone knows it and why would anyone find motivation in a thing like that? It read, "if you don't like where you are, change it. You are not a tree."

I said this to myself as I sat, crying, in my car four months ago. Guess it wasn't a waste of paper after all.

That day, I decided I needed to quit my job of over two years and find something that made me happy. It was a difficult shift. I am a not-risk-taker. But I was unhappy, burned out, and I was not a freaking tree, dang it. I handed in my notice a few weeks later.

Fast forward to now. I'm in limbo, and it's terrifying. I feel like I'm just floating along, hoping something will work out. Though there are seemingly endless opportunities, I haven't found any that really fit. Nothing that gives me joy. Nothing that intrigues me. Maybe I'm not a tree, but I should really be putting down some roots.

I keep reminding myself that staying was no longer a viable option. But after being a tree for so long, flying is a little . . . ok, exhilarating. But also dizzying. Frightening. Where do people go when they allow themselves to have choices again? It's figuring out my life, but with the whole rest of my life on the line. No pressure.

Still. My choice is made, and here I am. Unemployed. A little scared. But treeless, weightless, flying.

In which I am a freaking inspiration

I didn't want to work out today. I pulled my gym bag from my trunk and thought, I'm tired. I want to go home and eat dinner and watch TV until my brains spill out of my ears.

So maybe I'm slightly more clever after the fact. That's not the point.

What IS the point is that I replied right back to myself, you're going to be tired a lot of days in your life. You're going to be sad, or mad, or frankly a little grossed out by spending time in a smelly, sweaty place with strangers. Most days, you are not going to be 100%. But you can go to the gym.

I wanted to eat all the sugar today. My FedEx guy came by the office and brought doughnuts. And not just your boring glazed, but aaaaaall the kinds. I have to tell you, I probably spent a good 20 minutes of my day thinking about the doughnuts. And breathing in that delicious scent. And, ok, opening the box to stare at them, waiting for a *no calories* sign to magically appear.

Instead, I went back to my office and ate the grapes I had brought from home.

Being healthy is hard. It isn't fun. I find myself staying home from things, because all of this working out and eating healthy has ironically left me grumpy and exhausted. Not to mention I have the self-control of a teaspoon. If it doesn't make me fit, healthiness is probably going to kill me.

They say it gets easier with time, but these are people who speak after they've achieved Great Success From Which All Wisdom Flows. They enjoy going to the gym. They probably eat kale. Do they remember how hard it is to walk into a gym and have no idea what they're doing? To crave that chocolate so badly they can't think of anything else?

Do they remember how it feels to try to change their life, and be so afraid nothing will change after all?

Today I had two victories. And I'm holding on to these small ones for dear life.

Living the good life

Hello, world. It's me, Chelsea.

I was trying to come up with a suitable topic for this, the first post in years. What do you say to a crowd of people who no longer know your innermost thoughts (or, more likely, those who do. Hi Mom!)? I toyed with politics (dangerous), what I'm doing with life (meh) or even an obligatory New Year goals post (but really, who cares?). Then I realized, there's only one thing that matters.

Life is good.

2016 was a rough year. And by that, I don't mean the celebrities who died or the natural disasters or anything you could find in the newspaper. I mean I attended 3 funerals of people I loved. My professional life was difficult. I had multiple issues with my computer and phone and car. I felt so incredibly lonely I seriously wondered if I would ever be happy in this place I lived.

But for every disadvantage, every trial, every time I felt like giving up, there was always something good. I went to places I've never been with people I love. I kicked some bad habits (and acquired a few more, but progress is progress). I made friends, the kind of friends you're old enough to realize that you will keep for life.

On the religious side, I'm recognizing how Heavenly Father communicates with me. My favorite conversation with Him happened earlier this year, and it went like this:
Me: Heavenly Father, this was a rough month. Things 1 2 and 3 happened, and I'm nearly at the end of my rope. Every aspect of my life is blowing up. Father, I just need something. Anything.

Him: Well, I gave you Pokemon Go, didn't I?

Fair point.

There will always be good things. You can always try to be better. It's not like life pauses and wherever you are, that's how it'll always be. We have the ability to change and to define good in what we see. We can rise above, and become more than the things that happen to us. I define my reactions, and so I define my life. And that is why my life is beautiful.

Guide to scary movies

They say everyone likes to get scared – but they’re wrong. Oddly enough, most sane people actually prefer to live their lives without terror. But, if for some reason you insist on watching a scary movie and don’t want to deal with the consequences, this how-to guide is for you.

Step 1: Don’t watch the movie. Really, don’t watch it. This method is safe, reliable, and has a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Frankly, I’m surprised more people don’t choose this option.

Step 2: Have the right equipment. If for some reason you chose to ignore step 1, or, like me, you have friends who don’t take "no" for an answer, keep your handy dandy blanket with you at all times. During freaky parts feel free to hold it over your head and plug your ears. If you can’t see or hear it, it doesn't exist. Food is also nice. Instead of screaming, you could eat.

Step 3: Kill the mood. During those high-stress parts of the movie, find some kind of distraction and remark on it. This could be a strange facial feature on one of the actors, a joke you just thought of, or what you logically would have done in their place. Your friends might find it annoying, but considering they liked you enough to make you watch the movie instead of telling you to leave, they’ll probably forgive you.

Step 4: Watch something harmless. As in, not next week or even the next day but right after the movie gets over. Staying up until three in the morning watching Winnie-the-Pooh is preferable to staying up until three wondering if you’ll wake in the morning. It is also a good way to avoid nightmares.

Step 5: Don’t go home alone. You will imagine every possible scenario from the movie – it’s inevitable. The presence of another person is very calming with the added benefit of having a human shield should any of the movie’s plots actually be true. However, a phone call is an acceptable, but not preferable, substitute. Call someone older/wiser than yourself who has not watched a scary movie recently and doesn't have a twisted sense of humor. They may find it funny to freak you out, but you’re the one who could potentially be abducted/possessed/eaten/mutilated/whatever else was the content of your movie.

Step 6: Don’t sleep alone. Have a sleepover. Or sleep in the same room as a sibling, or your spouse. Or on your parents’ bedroom floor. Or in your dog’s kennel. Really, anything is good. That way, when you wake up from the nightmares you could have avoided by following step 4, you won’t be alone. It’s hard to worry about a zombie apocalypse or alien abduction when the person in the room with you is snoring.

Step 7: Remember, rethink, and revise. Remember the terror you felt. Imagine how happy you would have been without all those terrifying images in your head. Regretfully consider how much sleep you would have gotten had you not been up late thinking about the movie. Shake your head as you recognize that you made a bad decision and your time would be far better spent watching something a little happier. Decide to make better choices in your life from that moment on.

Step 8: Never watch a scary movie again. Case closed.

Protector

Me, I'm a protector. It doesn't matter what you say to or about me; I will move on. Sure, I hurt like anyone else, but I'm quick to forgive - especially if there are cookies and/or chocolate involved. :-) However, when it comes to my family and my friends I'm a little less forgiving. I wish I could take all their pain away. I wish I could be somebody who's depended on, who can make things better just by being there. Even if it's not me, I just don't want them to hurt anymore. I guess that's where this next poem comes from.

Protector

If I could, I would wrap you

In a blanket soft and warm

I would hide you from the monsters

And all those memories which do you harm

If I could, I'd protect you

I would stand up in your place

I'd do battle with the demons

To keep the smile on your face

If I could, I would hold you

In my arms and hug you tight

We'd sink into the depths together

Emerge in a world full of sunlight

Poem

She slept while dreaming of the world

She left behind some time ago

And thought her heart would break again

From weakness to internal foes

She put her heart into a letter

Sent it off, no looking back

She faced the day of her defeat

And cried at the same time she laughed

Wake up from your dreams now, sweetie

You've got a grown-up life to lead

We'd all like to live in dreamland

Reality's not all we hoped it would be

Problems which won't wait forever

Are calling you back down to me

When it all seems dark, just remember

The real world's deeper than you can dream

Life continued as it should have

Most her dreams are different now

She aches a little at reminders

She had the light and took her bow

All her life she'll remember

What she loved and what she lost

Though her life can seem so bitter

She thinks it all was worth the cost

Wake up from your dreams now, sweetie

You've got a grown-up life to lead

We'd all like to live in dreamland

Reality's not all we hoped it would be

Problems which won't wait forever

Are calling you back down to me

When it all seems dark, just remember

The real world's deeper than you can dream

I showed this to my dad and he said, "I have no idea what it's about, but it seems deep." Haha. Thanks Dad. I wrote this poem at two in the morning when I couldn't sleep. So feel free to critique (or speculate, whatever). But really, I'm curious. What do you think?

Boston

I remember exactly where I was during the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. I was in fifth grade on my way to school. The bus was turning a corner and I was staring out at the golf course when my friend, who was sitting beside me, informed me that her parents told her a plane had crashed into a building. I didn't understand the significance until I got to school. My teacher was watching the news coverage on our classroom TV, which showed videos of planes flying into buildings and the buildings crashing down. Images of bloody people. The news that some people had jumped from their windows to escape the destruction only to die on the pavement. Other planes were aimed for other locations. Pretty soon the television was turned off due to our young, impressionable minds. I don't remember much more of that day, but I remember the feelings of devastation and disbelief. The absolute horror. And the one overarching question: why?

Today, I was reminded of those feelings. After all, this is the most violent attack against my country since 9/11. Bombings in Boston. At this point, everything is still up in the air. How many explosions were there? Were they all connected? How many bombs didn't explode? Are we in danger? Two deaths, one an eight-year-old boy. The injury count gets higher and higher with every update. Who is responsible? Will they come forward? Is this a terrorist attack? Will we ever know?

And again, why?

I was ten years old when I first began to struggle with this question. It was incomprehensible to me that anyone, no matter what they were fighting for, would deliberately try to kill innocent people. What kind of hate drives people to murder people they've never known? Just how deranged does a person have to be to decide to place a bomb where everyday citizens are simply living their lives?

The news says New York is on high alert. ABC news station, which I live next to, is constantly updating its live feed. I went out after work, and the city just didn't feel normal. Cops were out on the streets to keep an eye on the well-known areas of the city. The news was on every television in every restaurant and bar. I caught snippets of conversations from people walking by, discussing the probability of this being a terrorist organization outside the U.S. and whether we were in danger too. Talking about family or friends in Boston. As I sat on a park bench beside Central Park, a police car drove down the sidewalk not one foot from me. A helicopter hovered over downtown Manhattan for over an hour, likely watching for danger.

They can talk politics. They can talk religion. Whatever they want. But nothing changes the fact that today, people died. Today, people were hurt. My nation, my world was invaded. Someday, whoever did this will face the consequences. But today, pray for Boston. Pray for all the people who were hurt or affected by this awful, awful tragedy. Today, stand together.

Boston, we love you.